© 2001 Aleisa

             Not a single day goes by that I don’t think of you in some way shape or form. I’m so proud of you, and I think you’re beautiful. I remember crying myself to sleep at night – my sense of loss was more than I could bear. Someone else was enjoying your soft sweetness and loving you in their arms. My arms were empty and my heart full of sadness. My big belly was gone, your little kicks and squirms were so missed.

            People silently wondered why they never saw you; eyebrows raised waiting for some sort of explanation. It was really none of anyone’s business, but sometimes I would volunteer information about you. It helped to heal my broken heart to hear myself talk about you. I’d tell them that I had the most beautiful baby girl. She had the softest skin and the sweetest little mouth that would sometimes curl up into a dream smile. I’d tell them how when I looked down at you while you were sleeping in my arms, I saw so much more than a precious baby girl. I saw a tiny little person who would someday grow up into a little girl and then into young lady, a woman. Someone who I wanted the absolute best for, and someone who deserved a chance. I saw a little girl who needed a Mommy who was home to play “house” with her, to take her on trips to the zoo, and to push her on the swing at the park. I didn’t want her to have a Mommy who came home late in the evening, tired and haggard from working her fingers to the bone at a dead end job.

If I could have been everything you needed, I would have taken on the role as your mother with pride. I would have loved to hear you call me “Mommy” for the first time. But sadly I knew it was impossible. I was still a little girl myself. I wasn’t the type of mother you deserved – no matter how hard I could try. With the help of God I chose the right family for you. It was his plan for you to become a part of that family. The friendship between your parents and myself grew with the size of my belly. It was so touching how excited they would get when they got to feel your little pokes and jabs, and to watch the bumps of your tiny elbows and knees poke out from beneath my skin. We could hardly wait for you to be born. And what a bittersweet day that finally was.

 I was so happy to finally set my eyes on you. My curiosity had been overwhelming. You were absolutely perfect in every way. I held you close to me and kissed your miniature little eyebrows, stroked your delicate skin, and wished for those moments to last forever. But like an electric shock, I’d be reminded by the voice of reason of our imminent separation. My insides felt like they were being torn to pieces. The emotional pain I felt at the thought of parting with you was far worse than any physical discomfort I was experiencing. In an attempt to seek comfort, I’d reassure myself that I was doing the right thing. Dreams of a family with children would be a reality for this couple I just happened to meet by chance. But perhaps it was God who mapped it out for our paths to cross. Everything happens for a reason. You came into this world to be their little girl, my purpose was to give you life. 

I watch you grow up through photographs and read about you in the letters your sweet Mother sends to me. I see the smile on your beautiful face, and I am confident that everything turned out just the way it was supposed be. 

I hope to meet you someday, to hug you as tightly as I did when you were only hours old. I’ll let the tears flow down my cheeks, only this time it will be from indescribable joy, instead of sadness and sorrow. I know I can never pick up where I left off and suddenly become your “Mommy” but I’d give anything in the world to share a special friendship with you. Please don’t ever think for a moment that I didn’t want you. I wanted you in my life so badly, but more than that I wanted what was best for you.

This is not the end of the story – it is just the beginning.